Legendary outlaw couple Bonnie and Clyde have been ambushed in a hail of bullets after coming out of retirement to try to steal the Academy Award for best picture.
“Ms Parker and Mr Barrow were attempting to make a getaway with Moonlight’s Oscar in an old timey motor car when we sprung up out of the bushes and mowed them down in a poetic volley of machine gun fire,” said former Texas Ranger Frank Hamer. “Fortunately for the Academy I make a bit of extra money these days as a seat filler at the awards ceremony so I was on hand at the Dolby Theatre when the heist occurred.”
Hamer immediately formed a posse and pursued the fugitives as they went on a cross country crime spree that involved raids on the Grammies to steal Beyonce’s award for Lemonade and even the white house where they made off with the presidency and were forced to shoot dead Bernie Sanders as he clung to the side of their speeding vehicle.
“The couple had plans to hide out in Australia and no doubt were eyeing off one last job at the Logies,” said Hamer, who plans to show off the death car at county fairs and on Top Gear. “Worst of all they had plans to write more truly awful poetry about themselves and make the beret a popular fashion item again. We just couldn’t let that happen.”