The former PM has criticised Malcolm Turnbull’s leadership of the coalition saying that he should be re-installed to ensure the party gets a proper shellacking at the next election.
“No-one wants Malcolm’s namby pamby slow but sure erosion of our standing in the polls,” said a firey Mr Abbott during an interview with Andrew Bolt where the fearlessly impartial Sky News host gave him a right proper roasting. “They want a return to the onion chewing, Prince Philip knighting, Vladimir Putin shirtfronting days of my Prime Ministership where we went gangbusters towards electoral oblivion and hang the consequences.”
Sources within the coalition however feel that their best chance of getting their arse thoroughly kicked at the next election lies with the only man in parliament thought to be even more unpopular with the public then Tony Abbott, Minister for Immigration Peter Dutton.
“There’s just not enough time to draft Ivan Milat or Bradley John Murdoch into the party so we’ve gone for the next best thing and sounded out Peter Dutton as a potential leader,” said powerbroker Michael Kroeger. “I’ve already invested heavily in a potato farm in anticipation of all the fun satirists around the country will make of his resemblance to a dirty spud fresh out of the soil.”
A disappointed Christian Porter has vowed to work harder at looking like a shitheel in the upcoming months in the hopes of displacing Dutton as the favoured candidate.