Russian Cyberweapon Capable Of Taking Down Internet Sued By Telstra For Patent Infringement

A Russian cyberweapon that can bring down the entire internet with the flick of a switch has attracted a lawsuit from Telstra, who claim they perfected that capability years ago.

However, a senior source at Telstra is confident the Australian telco can maintain its competitive advantage even if they lose the lawsuit. “The Russians may have the hardware,” conceded Minnie Finewire, Telstra’s new Chief of Service Unavailability, “but they can’t match us in overall system instability. My division was created to ensure that Telstra’s incapability extends beyond hardware into things like personnel and processes.”

“The Russian cyberweapon still relies on human intention to cause catastrophe,” Finewire went on. “Someone in Moscow has to flick the switch. But Telstra can automatically cause outages by sensing customers’ circumstances; whether it’s a million New Year’s Eve party goers in Sydney or just half of Victoria wanting to stream a movie on a cold winter’s night. We bring down their mobile phones, internet, or both, without needing to pay our technicians overtime. The Russians are years away from perfecting that.”

When challenged with the notion that Telstra had actually improved network reliability, Finewire remained buoyant. “We openly admit that we had a training issue earlier this year. We brought network technicians into Australia on 457 visas. Months later we discovered that they were actually reading the system maintenance procedures before working on critical network infrastructure. Luckily, we were able to act quickly by getting the government to cancel all 457 visas.”

The great news for Australian consumers is that other Australian telcos are changing the game. “We’ve hit a new benchmark of service predictability,” says NBN Co’s Director of Broadband Infarction, Max Copperart. “Our entire network – whether copper or fibre – shuts down at exactly 5:09 PM daily.”

“You can set your watch by it,” he added enthusiastically. “It literally works like clockwork.”

“When the internet came to Australia in the 1990s, no-one would have dreamt this level of incompetence was even possible. Nowadays, some customers call us 50 times just to get their basic NBN connected. It’s that ongoing personalised contact that we think customers really value.”

Couldn’t it just work the first time? “Well don’t you think that would be a little cold-hearted?” Copperart chuckled. “Australians love a long chat. – whether at the farm gate, over the back fence, or with a stranger across the Indian Ocean.”

“Ultimately, the Russians can’t copy our culture and branding,” Telstra’s Finewire concludes, “It’s how we disconnect.”

[Telstra’s CEOs denied any existence of the Service Unavailability Division and declined to comment further. We apologise that the full transcript of his fax could not be uploaded to The (un)Australian website due to inadequate bandwidth.]

Dean Jackson 

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