Malcolm Turnbull has admitted that despite moving in to government more than four years ago, the coalition hasn’t finished unpacking all the boxes and that any issues involving the roll out of the NBN, energy prices, low wages, impending nuclear war with North Korea, the weather, ibises faffing around in your wheelie bin and the unfathomable haircut sported by Kevin Andrews are still the fault of the last Labor administration.
“The only box we’ve actually fully unpacked and put away is the one labelled “Putting Shit On The ABC”,” shrugged the Prime Minister when asked to comment on why 90% of the internet connections across the nation still consist of a tin can on the end of a piece of string. “The night we moved in we had a pizza and a few beers and really meant to get stuck to unpacking them the next day, but you know how it is, you get busy with other stuff like fobbing off leadership challenges and so the boxes marked “Energy” and “NBN” ended up gathering dust at the back of the garage.”
“Sure Gough Whitlam and Lance Barnard enacted more policies in their first ten days alone and we managed to beat Japan in WW2 in less than four years but those were simpler times when there was less traffic about,” said Minister for Communications Mitch Fifield. “Steven Conroy and Anthony Albanese put stuff in really weird places in the office and I haven’t been able to function properly. I’ve only just found the stapler hidden in the air conditioning ducting.”
It is understood that the coalition may finally set a date for the housewarming party as soon as its internet speed gets fast enough to send out all the invitations in one group email.