“Crisis actors! Now you gotta admit, that’s a hell of an idea,” Hank Kennedy, a confessed agent of the shadowy United States’ “Deep State”, told The (un)Australian in a Washington dive bar in the early hours of this morning.
Mr Kennedy had been scrolling the Facebook wall of 29-year-old Bryan Harris, an Alex Jones fan from Byron Bay, and was amazed by the content.
The agent’s eye was particular caught by several posts alleging that survivors from the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting in Florida who have been passionately protesting for gun control were, in fact, “crisis actors” pretending to be victims to help enable the secretive Deep State to disarm, then enslave the American people.
Spilling another whiskey, Mr Kennedy declared: “Damn it, it just makes sense! I can’t believe we never thought of it!
“We’ve been holding all these brainstorming get-aways and spitballing sessions on how to enslave the American people, but beyond enforcing insanely low minimum wage with almost no labour rights and or safety net while giving huge tax cuts and power to a corporate oligarchy who own the media and the two main parties, we’ve just not been able to come up with much, ya know?
“Crisis actors! I mean, sure, those actual survivor kids were pretty good on camera, but not Dawson’s Creek good!”
Asked why mass shootings needed to be faked when they occur so frequently, Kennedy laughed and said: “Buddy, rule number one of the Deep State is always call the shots. Sure some random psycho’s gonna walk into a school with a weapon specifically designed for mass slaughter and provide images to sicken and horrify, but determining the exact time could be the thing we need to finally get these sheeple under our thumb.
“And I know what ya thinking… there’s been many mass shootings, how will one more change the state of platy, but I dunno, I just got this feeling the 666th mass shooting so far this year could be the game changer.”
Returning unsteadily with a new whiskey, Mr Kennedy said he was also pretty impressed with some other ideas gleaned from Mr Harris’s wall, saying “putting some mind-control sh*t into vaccines is genius” and that stuff about spraying chemicals from planes to control the weather was “well worth looking at, I tell ya, there’s some great stuff here!”