A disappointed Sydney man has vowed to try harder and put more effort into his training after being dropped to reserve grade by his life coach.
“I’ve really tried to do more with my life other than sit around all day playing Candy Crush and wistfully opening up Facebook every five minutes to see if anyone’s liked one of my status updates,” said Kangaroo Point labourer Gavin Blobb. “The coach has given me numerous strategies to get a better job, find a girlfriend and make a set of friends but I drop the ball every time and I totally understand why he’s gotten so frustrated with me.”
“I just don’t think Gavin has what it takes to be a regular first grader in this life, so I’ve given him permission to negotiate with other planes of existence in hopes of picking up a contract,” said life coach Norton Coole. “In the meantime I’m sending him back to the NSW Cup of Life, where he can sport a pair of tracky daks while drinking alone in front of the pokies until he finds a bit of form.”
Blobb’s recent run of poor form in life’s top grade include somehow managing to buy an non-matching shirt and trouser combination on a clothes shopping expedition to Country Road, turning up for a first date clad in a footy jumper with a tomato sauce stain on it and burping loudly two minutes into a job interview.
“Some guys are naturals at life and others get there by dint of sheer hard work and dedication but Gav has neither of these qualities,” admitted coach Coole as he ran his under 20s squad through some drills on how to make small talk at a party.
“He’ll be happier in reserve grade even though his only friend will be that guy from work with all the conspiracy theories and he’ll be spending Saturday nights playing dominoes with his mum.”
You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.
Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.