The NSW government has reacted to a spate of shark attacks by installing Mick Fannings at every beach in an effort to keep swimmers safe over the summer.

“A line of Mick Fannings stretching from Eden to Tweed Heads will make NSW the safest place to take a dip anywhere in the world,” said NSW Tourism Minister Ellen Postcard. “The Mick Fannings are moored to buoys with enough legrope to paddle over and smash any intruding shark square in the kisser.”

“We tried drum lines, electronic shark repellents and just asking the sharks politely to stay away, but by far the best method of keeping our finny friends at bay is a good old fashioned Mick Fanning,” said Larry Vaughan, mayor of the coastal resort of Chomp Bay. “There are effective and very low maintenance, requiring nothing more than a tube of zinc cream and a Chiko Roll daily.”

Environmental groups have expressed concern at the negative impact the Mick Fannings may have upon the shark population.

“We’ve already had increased sightings of sobbing sharks with black eyes all up and down the coast,” said Lance Beardo from Amputees For Sharks. “We fear that excessive bullying could lead the sharks to retreat to their rooms and spend their time playing computer games rather than patrolling the shore as the apex predator.”

Peter Green
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Categories: Science

Tags: Beach, beaches, Greens, Jaws, Mick Fanning, NSW, Shark Attack, sharks, Surfing, Swimming, Tourism