The government has announced that it will be compulsory to put a warning label on any news story that contains a photograph of a spider to protect the sensibilities of sooky arachnophobes.
“We are introducing the “SP” warning to go alongside similar warning for violence, adult themes and explicit sexual content to stop big wussy lilies who are scared of spiders from wetting themselves should they accidentally click on a link that leads them to a big hairy tarantula,” said Constance Chatterley from the Office of Film and Literature Classification. “It doesn’t matter what type of spider, the legislation covers everything from daddy long legses to those little ones that make webs on your car’s side mirrors and are small enough to crawl into your head through your ear and lay their eggs in your brain.”
The new law has been welcomed by dainty spider haters, many of whom are unable to take a relaxing browse through the morning news over a cup of coffee through fear of accidentally stumbling upon a story about venom milking or the discovery of a new species of bird eating spider in the Costa Rican rainforest.
“I get the shuddery shakes just turning the pages of the paper just in case there’s a photo of some weirdo from the museum with a spider on their face or an update on the new remake of that movie Arachnophobia,” said spider phobic newspaper reader Gavin Webster. “An “SP” rating on the cover will allow me to immediately burn the offending newspaper. I’m hoping they will extend the warning to everything with eight legs, because I also get all anxious and sweaty if I catch sight of a crab, an octopus or Hindu goddess Shiva.”
An “SP” rating will mean the publication cannot be sold to anyone under the age of 18 or any male who gets their girlfriend to carry spiders out of the house and into the yard before jumping back down off the sofa.
Peter Green
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