Anti-Halloween Man Laments Lack Of Trick Or Treaters To Lecture

Matthew Bridge, a 33-year-old man from Marrickville, Sydney, was well-prepared for any local kids out trick-or treating on Friday evening, but was gravely disappointment at being denied the chance to deliver a lecture on “the insidious growth of American cultural imperialism” when no one knocked on his door.

“I was had prepared a very clever speech for any kid stupid enough to ask for treats”, Bridge said, “that involved explaining some of the basics of geography that our school system is clearly failing to teach them! Namely that is Australia not America!

The die-hard LA Lakers fan, whose Facebook account listsHBO’s Breaking Bad as his all-time favourite TV show, told The (Un)Australian that he had planned “to explain to them that here, we say ‘chocolate’ not ‘candy’, ‘biscuit’ not ‘cookie’ and that only ‘arseholes’ not ‘assholes’ took part in these commercialised foreign activities!”, before the very thought of his own wit caused him to choke on his Pepsi Max.

“I was so disappointed no one came to my door, but then I saw on Facebook that a friend had a Halloween-themed party for the next night, so I just explained all of my reasons for opposing American commercialisation in a quite detailed and full referenced comment on their event page instead.

“Unbelievably, they unfriended me! Which just goes to show you how intolerant some people can be.”

Carlo Sands

Categories: Arts, News, Social Media

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