‘Musicians’ One Direction Deal With Drugs Allegations


In news that rocked the music industry to its core, a group of teenage boys making mega dollars by horrifying ear drums all over the world while simultaneously endorsing everything from groceries to drug rehabilitation programs, may have tried drugs.

In what appears to be the first known case in recorded history of either a teenage boy experimenting with marijuana or a musician taking drugs, the “band’s” management has gone into “damage control” while strenuously denying the “rumours”.

During a press conference the band’s manager, affectionately known by the five aural terrorists as ‘Daddy’, has stridently defended the group.

“In no way is it true that these innocent young handsome boys have done anything that would jeopardise their relationship with the parents of their fans,” said Daddy.

“We don’t even know what people mean by drugs. What are drugs? Some sort of character from The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe? Who knows, you’re talking crazy,” in what onlookers initially took to be an attempt to feign ignorance.

The assembled members of the press would later realise that the ignorance was genuine and a necessary precondition of performing a job which involved listening to large quantities of One Direction.

The (un)Australian has learned that the joint that was allegedly smoked by Zayn Malik in Peru, was medicinal marijuana prescribed by a health care professional in the hope that the “singer” might become addicted and stop making his music.

“I had to try something,” explained Doctor X, “they should make musicians take the Hippocratic Oath too, One Direction could really learn from those words: first do no harm.”

 Ryan Crawford

Twitter: @RyanTheCrawford

Categories: Arts, Media

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