ABC managing director Mark Scott admits that he has been caught by surprise to learn that there are Australians still living outside of Sydney and Melbourne. “I knew there were some in the 60s but my understanding was that they had all been moved,” he said, flying over what he thought was Frankston, but later revealed to be Adelaide.

“It’s beyond me how people survive out here,” he said removing a cobweb, later revealed to be an Adelaide ABC newsreader. “Naturally that’s why I thought they were all dead.” The revelation comes following news that Mr. Scott intends to shut down all ABC operations outside of Sydney and Melbourne with a view to replace them with a continuous loop of Bananas In Pyjamas and Gough Whitlam documentaries. He announced yesterday that he intended to rebrand the ABC to the SBC, the Sydney Broadcasting Corporation, during weekdays and on weekends to the MBC, the Melbourne Broadcasting Corporation.

Scott stated, “We all know that the spiritual home of the ABC is Sydney, because that’s where all our lawyers are. But on the advice of those lawyers we’ve been told to enter into a shared care arrangement with Melbourne, allowing it access on weekends and half the school holidays.”

At Adelaide Airport, Minister for Education and Dinner Parties, Christopher Pyne was seen presenting his petition against the closing of the Adelaide ABC studios to Mr. Scott. “Thanks gurlfriend but I’ve got a plane to catch,” he said as he checked into his flight. Scott was then advised by staff that his next destination was Brisbane, to which he responded, “Is that near Parramatta?”

 John Cahill

Twitter @johnbcahill

Categories: Arts, Media

Tags: ABC, John Cahill, Mark Scott