Liberal MP Luke Simpkins must now pray five times a day.
Federal MP Luke Simpkins has raised the alarm over Australians being unwittingly converted to Islam via eating Halal-certified food, using his own horrifying tale of forced conversion as a warning.
The Liberal member for Cowan told The (un)Australian: “All I did what all true Aussies love to do and cooked some snags on the barbie, not realising they were actually Halal-certified. Now I can’t drink beer!
“I used to love sinking piss with my mates! You should hear the abuse I get now when I go to my local after work and order a lemonade! I mean I know it’s unAustralian, but my new religion insists on it!
“Plus I have to grow a beard. Sure, not all Muslim men grow beards, but those snags unwittingly converted me to a specifically fundamentalist branch of Sunni Islam that requires me to wear one. So now I gotta get around looking like a bloody jihadi! Or worse, a hipster!”
Simpkins also complained about how irritating it was having to pray facing Mecca five times a day, and, according to instructions in his new holy book, the Quran, engage in specific acts of charity and treat people with differing religious views with respect.
“That bit about respecting all religions is the worst,” Simpkins said. “How am I going to get re-elected if I’ve can’t use religious bigotry?”
Carlo Sands
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The (un)Australian 