Treasurer Joe Hockey has insisted it is essential for the Senate to pass the Abbott government’s proposed budget cuts as humanity was on the verge of discovering the secret to Eternal Life and would soon begin colonising Mars.
Speaking to The (un)Australian, Hockey said: “The good news is, I’ve been told we’re on the verge of finally discovering the Holy Grail and with this holiest of all relics, the secret to immortality. The bad news is, given the state of the Earth’s ecosystem, we will all soon have to move to Mars.
“It is kind of remarkable that somewhere in the world today, it is highly probable that a child has been born who is going to live forever on a new planet. That’s a very long time in what is still a very inhospitable atmosphere. So you can understand why we need to cut pensions.
“The question is how we live with dignity and ensure we have a good quality of life the whole way through on a hostile, alien planet. This is the conversation we are going to have with Australia over the next few months.”
Hockey says his first concern was working out how to ensure Medicare was sustainable until the End of All Time, while also ensuring enough money was put aside to pay for the sort of heavy weaponry needed to combat alien Martian monsters, adding: “I urge all Senators to appreciate we have little choice but to raise the fuel excise.”