My Submarine Rules: Defence Minister Launches New TV Show

Can you build a submarine? You could be Channel 7's next star.

Build a submarine and become a star.

On day five of its Good Government initiative, the federal government has announced its entry into the reality television market, launching a new show with Channel 7 this Sunday night called My Submarine Rules.

As the name suggests, the show will involve submarine-building couples from each state competing to win the federal government submarine contract. The winning couple will take home $12 billion to build Australia’s 12 new submarines, as well as a weekend away with defence minister Kevin Andrews and his hair.

At the launch, the defence minister was quick to tell reporters that the reality show would not be a tender process. “It is a competitive evaluation,” Mr Andrews said. “We have to evaluate this. We have to do it in a way which is methodical, cautious, and goes forward into the future and obviously there has to be a competitive element to that.”

Andrews comments prompted the following exchange:

Reporter: But it’s not a tender process?

Defence minister: It’s not a process. It’s a show. It’s a competitive evaluation show.

Reporter: But Senator Sean Edwards said on Sunday it was a competitive tender?

Defence Minister: Senator Edwards doesn’t understand show-business. I do. I am the defence minister. God save the Queen, Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard.

Reporter: What are you talking about?

Defence minister: I’m talking about a competitive evaluation show.

Channel 7 admits that it will be a challenge to find a couple from each state that are up to the task of building world-class subs. “Lets face it, there hasn’t been anything that a Tasmanian has built in a while,” said a concerned network spokesperson.

But public interest in the show is nonetheless high. “Our website has been overwhelmed,’ said Mr Andrews. “Lots of mum and dad submarine-makers out there willing to give it a go.”

It is believed that Senator Edwards will be used to test the new submarines once they have been built. “Or who knows,” said Mr. Andrews. “If they don’t work, he might be used to detonate them.”

Applicants have been warned that it will be a tough audition process. “They will be required to bring their own materials to the audition and maybe asked to build a submarine on the spot,” said Channel 7’s spokesperson. “We’ve got to see how they act under pressure. It is a submarine after all.”

John Cahill

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