Qantas has warned that it is about to get tough on ugly people who try to enter any of its airport business lounges.
From April 1, lounge managers will exercise their right to refuse entry to those who don’t meet minimum standards of attractiveness. The new rules have come in response to feedback from lounge customers unhappy about competing with ugly people for stale muffins and copies of The Australian.
‘I can’t watch the stock market while someone is looking for their chin,’ said Susan Rossiter, lounge member and professional attractive person. ‘I pay good money to use this lounge and for that, I expect to be mildly turned on any time I am here.’
A Qantas Club membership costs in excess of $900, with most customers using the service to help show other passengers that they are better than them. ‘You certainly don’t do it for the food,’ said Susan mid olive. ‘And you can only drink so much post-mix. For my money, I want some hot arse to look at.’
All Qantas Club members have been notified this week of the change in terms and conditions to their memberships, in particular the ‘smart casual attractiveness’ provision that will now apply at all times to those entering the carrier’s lounges. Qantas says a reasonable test will be applied.
‘Look we don’t expect everyone to be Miranda Kerr or a Hemsworth brother,’ said Head of Qantas Quality Attractiveness Assurance (QQAA) Julia Sheers. ‘But if you haven’t taken a selfie in the past 20 minutes and shared it with your 10,000 Instragram followers, I think McDonald’s downstairs is more for you.’
It is not all bad news for ugly people though. Qantas says that they will still be allowed to board its jets.
‘Of course! We still have economy seating for this very purpose,’ said Sheers. ‘We just need to remember that it is hot people who made this airline strong. Qantas would be nothing without John Travolta and Deborah Hutton. It is important that this is acknowledged and that we provide a space for hot people to look at each other.’
Eric Communist from the Ugly Union said that he would be filing an action against the airline with the lounge regulator, Fair Lounges Australia. ‘This is a clear breach of the provision preventing airlines from inciting hatred towards the attractively challenged. As an attractively challenged Australian myself, and in particular a unionist, I demand the right to drink as much free piss as I like for 900 dollars.’
Will you be affected by these changes? Are you a Qantas Club member? Are you an ugly person? The (un)Australian would like to hear from you.