Abbott Announces 300 More Troops For Iraq, 900 To Fight Hitler

Tony Abbott's promise to change his leadership style has unnerved comics"

”We won’t rest untill we have destroyed the Nazi death cult.’

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced Australia’s “next phase” in international military intervention by committing 300 troops to Iraq and 900 to 1944-era Germany.

In an announcement held on Tuesday, the Prime Minister reaffirmed Australia’s commitment to the destruction of all death cults, whether they’re ISIS or their spiritual forefathers, the Nazis.

Mr Abbott said the decision is in line with requests from the US, Iraq and the ghost of Winston Churchill.

When questioned as to why 900 troops were being committed to combat the Nazis, Mr Abbot explained that “the Nazis were three times worse than ISIS. 300 times three is 900”, obviously missing the point of the question.

Looking positively prime ministerial on stage, Mr Abbott delivered his anti-terrorist, anti-Nazi message in front of eight Australian flags.

“[Defence Minister] Kevin Andrews suggested that we bring out six flags, but I said no. This is an important announcement and I want to show the Australian people how committed I am to the goal of Daesh and Hitler’s twin reigns of terror, so I said ‘fuck it, get me eight flags’.”

The two extra flags seems to have paid off. Since the announcement, Tony Abbott has seen his popularity grow in the polls, with the ALP’s lead shrinking from 51% to 49%. When asked “which leader do you believe is better equipped to protect you from Nazi scum”, the Prime Minister lead the Opposition leader with a whopping 73% of respondents.

Greens Senator Christine Milne brought forward a motion to suspend standing orders in order to force a debate in parliament on sending Australian troops overseas. However, the motion was quickly shut down as the Senate feared being seen as pro-Nazi.

“Whether it’s terrorists in the Middle East, or 70-year-old fascism in Europe, the Labor Party stands behind the government’s commitment to taking part in the international Building Partner Capacity,” Opposition leader Bill Shorten said in a statement released not long after the PM’s press conference.

However, Labor’s foreign affairs spokeswoman, Tanya Plibersek stressed that the Opposition’s support was conditional on the government being transparent with the Australian public and open about its exit strategy.

“We first sent Australian troops to Iraq in 2003 and to fight the Axis powers in 1939. The last thing we want is for Australian troops to be stuck there forever.”

Matthew Farthing is the war correspondent for The (un)Australian. He has received a Walkley Award after Quentin Dempster needed some quick cash.

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Categories: Politics

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