Howard Released After Heart Scare After Tests Confirm He Still Hasn’t Got One


Former Australian prime minister and world-renowned eyebrow groomer John Howard was released from hospital on Saturday after suffering a heart scare. Doctors released Mr Howard after tests confirmed the longest-serving PM since his conservative hero Robert Menzies still didn’t have one.

The ex-PM’s wife Janet Howard told The (un)Australian: “We were just sitting watching the TV and the news was talking about this ‘children in detention’ report, when John suddenly went pale and said ‘do you think maybe this isn’t a very good way to treat innocent children from families seeking our assistance?’ I immediately called 000 and had him rushed to emergency.”

Tests confirmed it was just a false alarm, with Howard responding to doctors questions about Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers by insisting “we will determine who comes to this country” and “we can’t let the baddies win”.

Heart specialist Dr Fred Nietzche said that at the ex-PM’s age, it was nonetheless important to be careful: “Mr Howard is no longer a young man and he wants to be able to enjoy his retirement and gold-plated parliamentary pension, not spend his final, declining years wracked with deep regret and anguish about defying the vast majority of Australians and the largest demonstration in history to take part in an illegal invasion of Iraq based on lies that some sources say caused the death of up to 1.2 million people and contributed directly to the rise of ISIS.

“So we’ve recommended a daily course of Andrew Bolt’s column just to be safe.”

In other news, Prime Minister-For-Now Tony Abbott has also been to hospital for tests of him own, with a brain scan returning negative. A source said: “It was pretty much just routine, but Peta insisted on getting one done after she noticed Tony had completed an entire sentence correctly. The doctors found nothing, however.”

Carlo Sands

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Categories: Politics

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