Grizzly Bears Refused Entry At Bear Bar


A group of grizzly bears visiting from Canada became enraged when they were turned away from the new Bear Bar on Oxford Street in Sydney.

The Bear Bar is a pop-up bar set up as part of the Sydney Mardi Gras, which finishes with its famous parade on Saturday.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Walter Grizzly. “My friends and I had just spent a lovely day on the harbour with some marsupials from Melbourne and we were looking forward to having a few nice honey ales. Naturally we saw the Bear Bar on Oxford Street and thought, ‘perfect!’”

Mr. Grizzly said he was horrified when he and his friends wandered up to the entrance of the bar and were stopped immediately. “The bouncer just pushed us aside and said ‘No Animals allowed.’” Mr. Grizzly and his friends were asked to leave straight away. “We all shook our heads in disbelief. ‘We’re not animals,’ I said to him, ‘We’re bears.’”

Janette Grizzly from the Rockies said, “the bouncer pointed to these bearded humans wandering into the bar wearing flannelette shirts and ill-fitting tank tops and said they were the bears. I asked him, ‘are you on drugs? We’re fucking bears, show me the honey!'”

“Most of them weren’t even hairy,” she said. “At least try to grow something.”

The bears reported that no matter what they did to demonstrate that they were bears (“we showed them our bearports”), the bouncer refused their entry, citing their animalistic tendencies and concerns that they might urinate in public, or get the munchies and eat a patron. “Clearly that bouncer has never been to Arq on a Sunday morning.”

Management at Bear Bar has remained unapologetic, stating that the Grizzly Bears could set up their own bar if they wish. “Honestly, they make too much of a mess even by our standards. And anyway, it’s March, they should be still in bed.”

“This just demonstrates the absolute arrogance of humans,” said an appalled Walter Grizzly, removing a rubbish bin from his paws. “We’re bears. We’re clearly bears. They’re humans. They’re not bears. They don’t even roar. They woof. Talk about confused.”

The (un)Australian wishes everyone a Happy Mardi Gras, even angry bears!

John Cahill

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