In a move sure to ignite fresh controversy, Prime Minister Tony Abbot has announced the restoration of the ancient Divine Right of Kings to cure scrofula and transmit the Royal Miracle.
The reintroduction of the ability to cure scrofula or Mycobacterial cervical lymphadenitis by the laying on of hands of the monarch was “well overdue”, the Prime Minister said in a wide-ranging interview with The (un)Australian.
“We need to keep some links to our past” Mr Abbot said, “Too many of our old traditions have been swept away. The reintroduction of knighthoods was just the start, quite frankly. In days gone by, English kings would ‘lay hands’ on as many as 1000 people a year. Imagine what the effect of this must have been on waiting times to see your local healer.”
Mr Abbott told us he had come up with the idea in discussion with his newly appointed political advisor, Prince Phillip. The Prince had advised that the monarchy should be more hands on and Mr Abbot welcomed the idea.
His chief of staff Peta Credlin had urged a holistic and modern approach. “Peta had asked why we should stop at scrofula? We can legislate or make an order in council to include even more diseases. These are modern times we live in and we must move with them.”
Science Minister Ian Macfarlane will head a cabinet subcommittee tasked with identifying which diseases can be designated as curable by Royal Miracles. Health Minister Sussan Ley said her department had already identified which hospitals could be closed. There has been no announcement about a rumoured $7 co-payment applying.
Governor General Sir Peter Cosgrove, as the Queens representative, would be able to transmit the miracle on Her Majesty’s behalf and it was expected he would hold weekly clinics around the country curing all sorts of ailments. Royal watcher Penelope Symington–Symington said Buckingham Palace thought the move by Australia was “tickety boo”. She told The (un)Australian that Prince Phillip was excited about the prospect of someone finally being able to help with his lower back pain. “His lumbago has been giving him a devil of a time. Now Her Majesty can fix it.”
Damien Ryan reports on constitutional Law for The (un)Austarlian, but is yet to receive an Order of Australia for his services to journalism