Man Tries Living Each Day Like It’s His Last, Spends Day In Tears Over Impending Death

sad man

‘I don’t want to die.’

Concerned his life was going nowhere fast, Patrick McGrath, a 29-year-old petrol station assistant who lives with his parents, decided to “live each day like it’s his last” after googling “inspirational quotes” on the Internet, only to spend a whole day crawled into a ball, weeping and begging God for more time.

“I really felt like I’ve been stuck in a rut and badly needed some direction,” McGrath told The (un)Australian, “so when I came across, I thought this is it, my chance to finally turn my depressing existence around!

“When number 1 in the list of ‘The 37 Most Inspirational Quotes Of All Time’ was advice to ‘live each day as if it’s your last’ written over an image of an attractive young woman on top of a stunning cliff, I thought ‘yeah, why not?’ Big mistake.”

The Shell employee said as soon as he imagined it was his last day ever, he became so overwhelmed by his impending doom, he began weeping uncontrollably.

“It just all seemed so unfair. All I could think about was all the things I’d miss out on. Now I’d never find true love,  have a family or see Tony Abbott dumped as prime minister. I’d never sky dive naked or climb Mount Everest or assassinate a reality TV judge. It was just so sad.”

To make matters worse, the petrol station fired McGrath for failing to turn up to work, leaving the already distraught man unemployed and poorer than ever.

The (un)Australian asked editor Lisa Smugpants about McGrath’s predicament as a result of following her advice, to which the self-described “sparkly life coach extraordinaire” replied: “Oh yeah, well really these kinds of ‘life hacks’ are only for the upper-middle classes who have the time and money to do whatever they want anyway and whose only real concern in life is the risk their local markets might one day run out of quinoa for their smoothies.

“I suppose we should really include a disclaimer explaining about that, hey?”

Carlo Sands

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