Initial Cooties Tests Clear NZ PM Of Virus

Nat11 - photography for Office of JK & National Party

Preliminary tests on New Zealand Prime Minister John Key, who came into repeated contact with a girl’s ponytail, suggest he does not have cooties.

Mr Key was admitted to Wellington Hospital last night after experiencing gastrointestinal symptoms, fever and strong ridicule from his peers, including cries of “oooOOOOOoooohhh” and a song about him sitting in a tree.

The Nationals’ leader was placed in isolation as a precaution and all male colleagues were advised to stay home to avoid girl germs infecting the entire government.

New Zealand Ministry of Health Chief Officer Hullun Reedy said fortunately the prime minister only pulled a cafe waitress’s hair.

“It has always been very unlikely that this person has girls’ germs,” she said.

Overnight his condition improved and the first of two tests has returned a negative result for the cooties virus.

Dr Reedy warned it could have been much worse: “If he held her hand or she chased him and managed to kiss him, he could be in serious danger right now.”

The prime minister is expected to be back at work competing against his Australian counterpart for the title of “Creepiest Leader of The Antipodes” in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Tim Govers

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