UN Defends Itself Against Accusations Of World Conspiracy By Pointing To ‘Long History Of Ineffectiveness’


The United Nations has hit back at Tony Abbott’s business adviser Maurice Newman’s claims that global warming is a UN-lead conspiracy to usher in a new world order, pointing out how their structural impotence prevents them from effecting any legitimate change.

“The United Nations was established all the way back at the end of 1945,” a UN spokesperson noted during a press conference held this afternoon. “And since then we’ve witnessed over 100 wars across the globe.”

Newman caused headlines after penning an editorial attacking what he considered a “global warming conspiracy” that was published in The Australian, a move that shocked media commentators as News Corp Australia has traditionally not had a very close relationship with the Liberal Party.

The editorial made reference to 95% of the data on global temperatures being wrong, crayon drawings that demonstrate how vast the conspiracy is, and allusions to UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon trying to drain “his essence”.

“A cursory glance at the facts reveals that either Maurice Newman is out of his mind, or he was recently zapped in a lightning storm,” Julie Breen, a climate change scientist at the University of Queensland, told the (un)Australian.

“The Academy of Science, the Bureau of Meteorology and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change say greenhouse gas emissions from human activity are affecting the climate. Not to mention this is the same United Nations that tried to cover up the sexual misconduct of its peacekeepers in Burundi, Haiti, Liberia and elsewhere.”

Christiana Figuere, the head of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, who is currently in Australia, expanded upon her organisations long history of ineffectualness.

“Until 1994, we recognised the Khmer Rouge as the true government of Cambodia, barely acted in the Rwandan Genocide, fill the Human Rights Council with human rights abusers such as Qatar, Sierra Leone, and the US. We also gave China the right to veto our lunch choices on Fridays.”

“If there’s any group that is not capable of fostering co-operation among the nations of the world, be it to establish a new world order or just global peace, it’s the UN.”

Matthew Farthing is the science reporter for The (un)Australian. He once published a paper providing all the evidence disproving global warming. It included such hard facts as “it was cold once in Summer”, “research scientists just want to make money at the expense of the helpless oil companies” and “throwing a snowball during a session of Congress”.


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Categories: World

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