Vladimir Putin Marries Pippa Middleton

Putin

 

In what is being seen as a very clever diplomatic move, Russian strongman and old-fashioned love machine Vladimir Putin has today wed Pippa Middleton in a glittering ceremony at the Kremlin.

The (un)Australian today spoke with Professor Rhys-Rhys McStephens of NSW University. “My contacts in the Kremlin tell me there was a push for Mr Putin to run in the UK elections but this was overruled by the President himself.

“His thinking was his talents would be wasted in the House of Commons and he is more suited to joining the royal family. As the only truly royal candidate for marriage is less than a week old he had to look further afield so Ms Middleton was an obvious choice.”

Royal watchers are unsure what to make of Mr Putin’s entry into the royal family but the consensus is his choice of bride was smart. One told us: “Everyone thinks Pippa is an absolutely wizard girl. Nobody would respect him if he married one of those dreadful York girls, Beatrice or Eugenie, they are ghastly beyond belief although if someone married Camilla it does prove there is hope for them too. There is no accounting for taste.”

McStephens said with the UK election results likely to produce no clear winner Mr Putin was well placed to fill any power vacuum a hung parliament could bring. “The British like a popular leader with a hot wife and tenuous royal connections. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that we could wake up tomorrow and find Putin moving into number 10 to govern whatever is left of the Union.”

In an unrelated story, Scotland Yard reported a credible threat to the life of Prince Charles. Chechen terrorists and Ukranian separatists have both reportedly placed a large bounty on his head.

Damien Ryan writes on royal affairs for The unAustralian. He has not a drop of blue blood in his body.

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