Dying Teenager Fails To Teach Community How To Live Again


A nurse waits for life lessons.

Residents of Riverton, NSW are reeling following the premature death of Kylie Waters, 16, who passed away as a result of her thyroid cancer before revealing the life lessons she had learned as a direct result of succumbing to such an awful disease at an early age.

Brett Stephenson, a 16-year-old high school student from Riverton Heights High, informed The (un)Australian of how he had met Ms Waters while serving out his community service at Riverton Hospital following some minor run-ins with the law. He expressed disappointment that this dying girl had not given him the perspective to change his life.

“When I first met Kylie,” Mr Stephenson explained, “I thought ‘this is fantastic! We’ll bond over our shared interests and her inspiring story will give me the motivation to improve my own life and to live while I still have the chance’.

“Unfortunately, she spent most of her time zonked out on medication or exhausted from the chemotherapy.

“She should have been my first painful-but-beautiful love, instead she couldn’t even recommend a cool indie band that would change my life! Now I’m stuck being a delinquent.”

Dr Michael Denver, an oncologist at the hospital, described the death as “selfish”.

“To be honest, I’ve been having marital difficulties with my wife and I saw this as an opportunity to embolden myself with a new resolve to focus on what matters in life after encountering a little girl’s bravery in the face of unfair adversity,” Dr Denver said.

“In reality, she just seemed to be scared that she was going to die. Needless to say, my wife has now filed for divorce.”

Anglican Minister David Bower noted that attendance at his church remained at record lows: “Riverton Anglican Church used to be the bustling heart of our community. Attendance has dropped over the last decade, but I thought God had blessed us with this young child suffering from cancer.

“I’ve heard of other communities who have found their belief restored through the act of coming together to rally behind a dying child, only to in turn feel the divine through the child’s faith and acceptance.

“Since Ms Waters failed to experience a deathbed enlightenment, residents are now questioning how a just and loving God could allow such a tragedy to occur, rather than flocking back to our pews.”

The family of Ms Waters have requested privacy during this time, but released have the following statement: “While we are thankful for the condolences we’ve received, we must admit to being disappointed with our daughter.

“After her death, the orderly at the hospital presented us with a piece of folded paper found next to her bed. We expected it to be a beautiful poem or drawing revealing a talent we had previously been too busy recognise for the gift it was, but instead it turned out to be just a simple note telling us that she loved us. We already knew that!”

Matthew Farthing is the community reporter for
The (un)Australian. He can often be seen at the local cafe, drinking some of Mrs Langton’s horrific coffee, or buying his groceries from Hooper’s Store, from the old bigot Hooper himself.


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