Nations Wankers Outraged At Loss of Free Cafe WiFi

Two wankers in a Melbourne coffee shop.

Australia’s wankers have threatened to go on strike unless cafe owners restore their right to make use of free WiFi while spending all day long looking deeply creative and typing stuff on their tablets.

“It’s extremely important that people know that I have the sort of job that allows me to work outside of the office trading witty banter with my barista,” said Jarred Crockett from the Federated Wankers and Hipsters Union.

“You can hardly expect me to look dashing in my long scarf and project an image of wistful intellectual superiority if I’m cooped up at home using my own internet connection. We may have to consider industrial action.”

“The world needs to know that I have the heart of a poet and drink coffee made from beans that have passed through the bowels of a civet cat,” sighed Melbourne wanker Antonia Gladsby. “If I don’t have access to free WiFi, I’ll have to go back to my actual workplace and microwave my own freaking slice of banana bread.”

“I’ve got twenty tables in this joint and each one of them is currently occupied by some tosser trying to look like they’re the next Ernest Hemingway”, said exasperated cafe owner Todd Browning. “I’m supposed to be running a cafe, not a babysitting service for unemployable toolbags.”

A strike by Australia’s wankers could cause crippling damage to the free trade organic coffee industry as well devastation to the gluten free brownie sector.

Peter Green

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