Rory McPharlin, moderator of the Facebook group “Defend Traditional Marriage!”, has admitted that, actually, he just really, really hates weddings.
“Some of my best friends are gay,” the 36-year-old McPharlin told The (Un)Australian, insisting his stance was different from the Christian fundamentalism and homophobia of so many other marriage equality opponents. “Like seriously, that’s why I chose them as friends! On the grounds there was no risk they’d ever send me in an invite to one more goddamn wedding!
“I mean, Jesus, it’s getting ridiculous the amount of friends getting married, like every weekend there’s one more of these horrific events where you lose an entire Saturday to have other people’s proudly declared love shoved down your throat even though you know full well it’s never going to work and you give it five years generously and each side of the family hates the other and the atmosphere is one of sustained passive aggressive declarations of how happy everyone is while you, and every single other awkwardly over-dressed guest, downs as much free booze as possible knowing full well the horrific moment is about to come when you’ll be dragged kicking and screaming onto a dance floor filled with drunken middle-aged men trying to grope anything female that moves while trying not to fall over and you must try to maintain some sliver of dignity while doing the ‘chicken dance’ and you realise there is a fate worse death but no matter how much champagne you shove down your throat, death just won’t come and so you’ll never get out of repeating the same horrific experience next weekend with some other heterosexual couple you once made the terrible mistake of befriending.
“And now you want gay people to get married as well? Do you people believe in torture? The worst thing is when the law gets passed, they’ll be a glut of the bloody things and, sure, Kylie Minogue and the Pet Shop Boys might be marginally easier to dance to, but you know full well they’ll replace the confetti with glitter and that shit takes forever to get of your hair!”
Mr McPharlin said that, if same-sex marriages were legalised in Australia, he’d strongly consider “moving to Saudi Arabia,” noting that not only is marriage equality widely considered yo be some way off by most pundits, “even the weddings they do have have feature much less drunken dancing”.