‘I Think I’m Getting The Start Of A Cold’ Recognised As Separate Virus


The germ responsible for the condition known as “I think I’m getting the start of a cold” has been isolated in the laboratory, researchers in Switzerland announced today.

“This is an entirely different virus from the cold virus or the flu virus,” said Dr Thaddeus Squirt from the Zurich Institute of Sniffles. “The symptoms include just the beginnings of a sore throat, a slight feeling of blahness and a couple of sneezes. The patient then experiences a severe bout of indecisiveness about whether to soldier on or start taking it easy, followed by a feverish search through the memory banks for when one might have touched a dirty door handle or been in a crowded train.”

A study of 1500 patients with the disease has revealed that symptoms peak within 18 hours of infection, when an extra hankie is inserted in the pocket and the amount of runniness of the nose is closely monitored, followed by the patient waking up a couple of days later feeling 100% and wondering whatever happened to that flu they thought they were getting.

“We’re very close to isolating the pathogens responsible for several related conditions, including “I never get colds” and “Sounding like I have a cold when I ring up the boss when I want a day off” virus,” said Dr Squirt. “The vector responsible for “I never get colds”, Smuggloatus insufferabilius, causes the sufferer to feel like they never get sick and to let as many people know about it as often as possible, followed by a crippling dose of the flu four days before the end of the cold and flu season.”

Medical authorities have advised anyone who thinks they are coming down with “I think I’m getting the start of a cold” to think about staying at home and getting plenty of rest, but not to just in case there’s nothing wrong them and they’re being a bit of a softcock.

Peter Green

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Categories: Science

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