Whole Foods CEO John Mackey has celebrated news that astronauts have successfully grown and eaten lettuce in space, promising a whole new future of ridiculous and expensive produce.
“With today’s processed meals and junk food marketing, what consumers want is to know that the food they’re buying is fresh, organic, and from outer space.
“If you ignore the pun, spaceship-grown-lettuce will open up an entire new world of overcharging for vegetables.”
Whole Foods often markets ridiculous foods, such as “oxygen water” and “limited edition tomatoes”, to gullible upper-class families who believe that this somehow makes the food healthier.
Whole Foods customer Margaret Jentamat says she just wants to make sure her family is eating healthy: “Food today is sprayed with so many pesticides and is so processed you might as well be eating poison. Organic food is great and all, but what’s more organic than food grown in space?”
Astronauts at NASA’s International Space Station managed to successfully grow lettuce seeds over 33 days, using a specially developed irrigation system as water cannot be poured in space. Astronaut Scott Kelly described the lettuce as tasting like “rocket” before command central instructed him to stop making jokes.
Astronauts described the lettuce “bland, watery, and flavourless, perfect for if you want to pretend you’re eating healthy but don’t want to take away the flavour of your slab of beef”, causing leading scientists to declare the experiment a success.
Back home, it will only be a matter of time before Whole Foods starts putting space lettuce on the shelves. The organisation is already prepping a “locally sourced” alternative brand of space lettuce, ensuring that customers are only purchasing lettuce sourced from this solar system, for an added premium.
Mr Mackey expects to use the profits he makes from overpricing to fund “further space vegetable endeavours, full page editorials condemning universal healthcare, and to cover the legal fees from fighting lawsuits over overpricing”.
Matthew Farthing is the science and technology reporter for The (un)Australian. His papier mache volcano won him the prestigious Kyoto Prize in 2008.