Chips and lollies will remain banned from prison tuck shops in a move designed to encourage healthier eating habits among some of the state’s most notorious criminals.
“Our prisoners are among the most obese in the world and need to be encouraged to eat more fresh fruit and vegetables,” said Miles Quake, head of the Department of Corrective Services. “Only last week an escape attempt by four of our prisoners failed because they were too fat to fit through the tunnel they’d dug.”
“Prisoners get way too unruly after lunch and I put that down to too much sugar and red cordial,” said prison guard Henry McGee. “The tuck shop will still stock a range of tasty alternatives, such as celery sticks and little packets of Jatz crackers and cottage cheese.”
Prisoner action groups say the bans are unfair and that prisoners will riot if denied access to Whiz Fizz and Cheezels.
“I love it when it’s my mum’s turn to serve at the tuck shop because she always sneaks in an extra packet of smarties and salt and vinegar thins into my lunch bag,” said long serving serial killer Morris Ritchie. “If I have to go more than a week without a Flake or a packet of snakes I get real edgy.”
Prison authorities have denied reports of a disturbance at the Goulburn maximum security unit where several prisoners armed with celery sticks are alleged to have taken guards as hostages and demanded a supply of Freddo Frogs.