Members of Australia’s federal parliament are keen for a conscience vote on marriage equality to take place as soon as possible so they can go back to voting without having to consult any kind of moral compass.
“It’s hard work having to actually make up your mind about an issue,” said Tasmanian Liberal Party senator Ernest Wise. “It’s a major distraction from my usual duties of shouting out ‘hear hear’ at appropriate moments and making sure I get back from the bar in time whenever the division bells ring.”
“I looked up conscience in the dictionary and it means an internal voice that tells you to do something because it is morally right,” said Labor leader Bill Shorten. “Apparently that’s a thing now. Well if some of our MPs want to do that when considering marriage equality than good luck to them, just so long as they return to voting upon rank self interest when normal business resumes.”
“I’m not really in favour of a lot of things I vote for but Tony gets mad at me if I don’t do what he says”, said Kingsley Knox, Liberal Party member for the North Shore seat of Bollinger. “For instance, I didn’t really want to vote for the bill that makes it legal for owners of retirement homes to sell old people to dog food companies, but I know that if I didn’t Tony and Joe would hold me upside down and flush my head in the parliament house toilets.”
The marriage equality bill isn’t the only upcoming bill likely to be put to a conscience vote. It is believed that Malcolm Turnbull is considering sponsoring a conscience vote on who should be the prime minister.