Thousands Expected To Send Off Racing Legend Bart Cummings To Glue Factory


Thousands of racing fans are expected to attend today’s state funeral for eyebrow aficionado Bart Cummings, held in Sydney’s St Mary’s Glue Factory.

Mr Cummings is considered a legend in the racing community. He has 12 Melbourne Cup victories to his name and 266 Group One victories, despite neither running in a race, nor riding any of the horses.

The racing trainer will have his flesh stripped and sent for rendering and his connective tissue turned into adhesive, common practice for racing greats who pass away due to natural causes or injure their legs in the course of being forced to entertain Australia’s wealthy.

Mr Cummings was made a Member of the Order of Australia in 1982 for services to the racing industry, but had to sell it during the early 90s after falling victim to a tax minimisation scheme.

The Cummings family accepted NSW Premier Mike Baird’s offer of a state funeral;

“A tax-payer funded funeral is the only way to honour a man who nearly bankrupted himself attempting to pay as little tax as possible” Mr Baird stated in a government press release.

Mr Cummings is survived by his wife Valmae and his son Anthony.

“My father was a beloved figure in the industry that he loved more than his own child. The racing community will grieve today, wondering why God had to take my father so close to the beginning of the Melbourne Cup, instead of Tom Waterhouse,” Anthony Cummings told The (un)Australian.

Matthew Farthing is the sports reporter for The (un)Australian. He is a passionate defender of the right to bear arms, believing Australians need guns for self-defence, skeet shooting, and putting down horses at the Melbourne Cup.

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