Bill Shorten Congratulates ‘Jared From Subway’ On Making It To The NFL


Opposition leader and star of ABC TV’s Four Corners, Bill Shorten has issued a press release congratulating Jared from Subway on his successful transition from Australia’s National Rugby League (NRL) to America’s National Football League (NFL).

When contacted by The (un)Australian to clarify his congratulations, Mr Shorten replied: “It’s an amazing achievement by Jared, the type of story that touches us all, to go all the way from Parramatta to San Francisco and take on the world, inspiring stuff.”

Asked whether Mr Shorten meant Jarred Hayne as opposed to Jared from Subway, Mr Shorten responded, “Isn’t Jarryd Hayne, also Jared from Subway? What’s the difference?”

The (un)Australian told Mr Shorten that Jarryd Hayne was the former NRL player turned NFL player, while Jared from Subway was a former Subway spokesperson turned convicted paedophile. At this point, Mr Shorten ended the interview, tore up his “free Subway sandwich card” and stormed off.

Mr Shorten’s confusion follows a pattern of similar indiscretions by Labor leaders, such as Kim Beazley confusing comedian Rove McManus with American political advisor Karl Rove and Kevin Rudd confusing Julia Gillard with a loyal deputy and trusted colleague.

Mark Williamson

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