Britons ‘Relieved’ David Cameron Merely Screwed Dead Pig


The mood on UK streets today was “relieved” after allegations Prime Minister David Cameron had merely performed a sexual act on a dead pig as part an initiation ritual into an exclusive Oxford University secret society, and not a live child like so many former colleagues caught up in a seemingly never-ending stream of paedophilia scandals.

The revelations are part of an unauthorised biography by top Tory donor Lord Ashcroft, who quotes an anonymous Conservative MP alleging the incident was part of an initiation ritual for the highly selective and secretive Piers Gaveston drinking club known for its sexual debauchery.

While the allegations set social media alight, with #piggate and #baeofpigs trending, most people The (un)Australian spoke to the streets of London were just relieved that Cameron was not accused of sexually assaulting children, like former Conservative PM Ted Heath.

“Only a dead pig?”, cab driver Barry McDougall told The (un)Australian, “that must be a Tory first.”

A grinning East London jellied eel seller Frankie Moore said, with hand on heart and blowing out his breath in a “thank god” gesture, that merely performing a disgusting, unspeakable act of degeneracy with a dead pig was a clear sign of progress, noting: “Progress may be slow, but these geezers get there in the end, eh?”

Off-duty Tower of London beefeater James Fry told The (un)Australian: “Well, I mean, at least if the pig was dead, that removes all questions of consent, doesn’t it? That has gotta be a good thing, I mean… considering.”

The Daily Mail, which is running exclusive extracts of the unauthorised bio published by Lord Ashcroft, failed to let Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn off the hook, accusing the far-leftist in a front page editorial of refusing sexual relations with “a British pig, because he hates Britain and wants to appease radical Islam and his friends in Hamas”.

Carlo Sands

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Categories: Politics

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