Shitty Wages Only Way To Keep Price Of Mars Bar Below $10 Claims 7-Eleven


Convenience store 7-Eleven has defended the low wages it pays its employees, saying the price of a Mars Bar would skyrocket if they were forced to raise salaries to anywhere near a living wage.

“We’re struggling as it is to keep the price of a Mars Bar at a reasonable $8 as it is considering the enormous overheads involved in running one of our stores,” said CEO Millicent Slurpee. “Our lighting bills alone are astronomical and we still have to pay full shipping charges even though we only ever stock one copy of the daily newspaper.”

“Not only do we pay our workers a handsome sum of one handful of gravel per hour, they also enjoy plenty of other perks such as a free empty Powerade bottle to piss in and we send everyone who gets shot in a robbery a lovely bunch of flowers,” said head of HR Byron Toastie.

“I might add that we interview a wide range of people every time a new position becomes available and it’s just a coincidence that every time the best applicant happens to be an overseas student who answers the question: ‘Do you have any idea what an average Australian wage is and have you ever heard of something called a trade union?’ with a shrug of the shoulders.

“I have no idea how supermarkets and other corner stores keep the price of a Mars Bar so low. Perhaps they’re using an inferior grade of chewy caramel filling.”

Peter Green

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