Republican Party presidential front runner Donald Trump has announced plans to deport millions of opossums back to Ireland in a move sure to be popular with his growing base of anti-immigrant supporters.
“These O’Possums illegally entered the country during the potato famine and have done nothing for economy except clog up the trees and demand welfare for the numerous babies they carry around on their backs,” said Trump to a cheering crowd of opossum haters in New Hampshire.
“It’s not like in Australia where they’ve successfully integrated, dropped the O off the front of their surname and live in harmony inside the roofs of people’s homes.”
Opposition to Trump’s plan has come mainly from hungry rednecks who feel they’ll be deprived of a valuable source of protein if they can no longer scrape roadkilled opossums off the side of the highway and take them home for stewing.
“We ain’t got no problem with him deporting them Mexicans back to where’s they came from, because I’ve eaten one or two of them and they don’t taste no good,” said professor of redneck speech patterns Billy Bob Gunrack. “But if this here Mr Trump wants to send all the opossums back to Ireland, he’ll have lost my vote. That and his stupid hair.”
“Opossums aren’t actually Irish, they evolved in South America before spreading to the US,” sighed weary biologist Mortimer Egghead. “Oh bollocks, I’ve just made it worse, haven’t I?”