The price of cigarettes will double by 2020 if Labor wins the election, under a new plan to alienate teenagers and French nihilists.
Almost 2.5 million Australians enjoy a cigarette daily and the implementation of this policy is set to increase the amount of mewling over the price of cigarettes to almost double 2015 levels.
By increasing the taxation to 75% of the cost of a pack of cigarettes, Australia will be brought in line with France, New Zealand and the UK, all countries using their new found lung capacity to complain about the price of cigarettes.
Christopher Klein, a spokesperson for the Australian civil liberties group British American Tobacco expressed the group’s anger at the proposal: “This is just like big government. First they get you addicted to their regulations and then they milk you until you’re dead. I urge all Australians who care about freedom to go to the store and buy a brand of Dunhills or Benson & Hedges and symbolically tell the Labor government ‘no more’ by enjoying a liberating smoke.”
And while health experts and organisations like the WHO advocate Labor’s new policy as “best practise”, the same sort of enthusiasm is not being shared on the streets. Engel Berman, a smoker of 15 years, told the (un)Australian: “How will I be able to afford cigarettes if the price keeps going up? Governments need to rethink their policies.”
Matthew Farthing is the Health Reporter for the (un)Australian. He chalks his aversion to cigarettes up to his addiction to MDMA.