Combustible Russell Crowes Banned From Planes


The world’s airlines have banned Russell Crowes from their cargo holds after fears the highly flammable actor may catch fire due to faulty wiring inside his brain.

“We just can’t take the risk that a Russell Crowe may burst into flame or worse burst into poetry,” said Ansett spokesman Katie Wingflap. “The explosive temper of a Russell Crowe poses too big a risk to the safety of our passengers and we have had no choice but to completely ban them from all our craft.”

“You only have to look up YouTube to find hundreds of examples of Russell Crowes going off,” said TAA captain Jacques Le Fivier. “An overheated Russell Crowe could throw off mobile phones at a velocity capable of piercing the fuselage and cause a major decompression incident.”

Russell Crowes have been a very popular present this Christmas season and the ban has thrown the holiday travel plans of thousands of Australian families.

“They could have told us this before I gave the kids a Russell Crowe for Christmas,” said Adelaide father Max Meridius. “I’d have gotten them a much more aviation friendly gift like a Cate Blanchett or a Joel Edgerton if I’d known. I offered to remove his batteries but the airline said no.”

Peter Green

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