Man Plans To Drink One Guinness For St Pat’s Day Then Just Switch to Carlton Draught

st-patricks-day guinness

With St Patrick’s Day is upon us once more, drunks the world over are looking forward to one more excuse to get hammered in a bid to forget about their horrible lives.

But unlike other great excuses to get drunk, like New Year’s Eve, random friend’s weddings and standard post-funeral piss-ups, St Paddy’s Day each March 17 combines binge drinking with the need for the average alcoholics-in-denial to at least make a pretense of caring about its Irish theme. And that means drinking Guinness.

One man, however, thinks he has a solution. “Yeah look mate,” Jimmy Cooke, a 34-year-old bank clerk from Stratfield, told The (un)Australian, “I’ll do what I did last couple of years. I’ll go to one of these Irish themed-pubs, order a pint of a Guinness and force that sour shit down as fast as I can, then, if anyone still looks like they care, I guess I’ll order a second, but a half pint at most.

“By the time that one’s done, no one’ll remember what day it is and I’ll just go straight back to schooner after schooner of Carlton Draught until I eventually get thrown out of some inner city dive and have to convince a taxi driver I won’t vomit in his cab. You know, like any other Thursday night.”

Mr Cooke said he had yet to decide whether or not he would keep the novelty green hat he was planning to wear on for the entire evening, saying he’d judge it on the night according to “the laughs” it was generating.

“Look, I love all that Irish stuff,” Mr Cooke insisted. “I’m actually Irish myself, my great-great grandmother came from over there … from ah … County Kilblarney, I think? Back in the famine or whenever, like why didn’t they just eat something other than potatoes? I’m just saying, I need to figure out how long I’ve got to be at the pub before I get a beer I can stomach.”

A spokesperson for Irish community told  The (un)Australian that Mr Cooke’s comments were still less “offensive and patronising” than Tony Abbott’s.

Carlo Sands

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