Amber Heard has announced she is filing for divorce from actor Johnny Depp, citing “irreconcilable differences” after finally watching the Hollywood star’s past half dozen films.

A shaken Heard, who married Depp last year, told The (un)Australian: “As a working actor myself, I just hadn’t had time to see any of my husband’s more recent performances, but I finally had a free weekend and decide to go on a bit of a ‘Depp film’ binge.

“Wow. Like many people, I was always a fan of some of the early, highly original quirky roles Johnny played back in the day, ranging right from Edward Scissorhands to the even first Pirates film. But seriously, like what the Hell is with his recent career? What was the guy even doing in The Lone Ranger? Has he just stopped caring?

“OK, Johnny. We get it mate. You’re quirky. You’re off beat. But sometimes you gotta stop trying to out-weird the local paedophile and try acting!”

Heard said she was forced to conclude Depp’s infamously wooden performance alongside her in their filmed apology to Australia over violating its quarantine laws was actually his finest performance in years. She explained that the final straw was seeing the trailer for Alice Through The Looking Glass: “It’s just like, oh great, not just another goddamn Depp role where he plays a odd, off-beat character who dresses like a weirdo and can’t stand up straight, but one he has already done before!

“I just knew at that point I could not lie in bed at night any longer next to a man who thinks it is somehow acceptable, at 52, to turn in performances that would embarrass a 14-year-old in a high school play.

“I knew I had to end it, and I had to do so quickly before the next Pirates installment came out or I could find myself forced to attend a screening.”

Carlo Sands
http://www.twitter.com/carlosands

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Categories: News

Tags: Amber Heard, Carlo Sands, Johnny Depp, The unAustralian