Mosquito repellent manufacturer Aerogard has signed on to become the major sponsor for the Australian team for the upcoming Rio Olympic Games.
“We are pleased to announce that every athlete competing in the green and gold will be slathered in our product,” said Aerogard Pty Ltd chief executive Tony Mozzie.
“Negotiations are underway right now to replace the water in the swimming pool with double strength Aerogard, a move which has the complete backing of the entire swimming team.”
“I intend to put on my entire fencing costume complete with hood the minute I board the plane and don’t intend taking it off until I set foot again on Australian soil,” said fencer Emma Touche. “I’m not sure if I’ll hit any of my opponents but I’ll slice any mosquito that gets in my way into little pieces like a tiny airborne salami.”
The president of the Brazilian IOC has downplayed the threat of the zika virus as he conducted a press conference covered entirely in mosquito netting in a vat of citronella.
“Rio will be perfectly safe as long as competitors are vigilant and slap each if they see a mosquito land on their skin,” said Eusebio Pele De Malaria. “I’ve heard that Australian chef de mission Kitty Chiller has vowed to personally follow around Nick Kyrgios and slap him as often as she feels is necessary.”