In a sudden outburst of uncoordinated patriotism, all academics employed at Australian universities have spontaneously posted statuses on social media this morning lavishing praise on the Australian flag.
The nation awoke to previously unheard of heard of heights of nationalist fervour from the nation’s academic community . “Truly the greatest flag ever,” was a common sentiment, with many changing their Facebook profile pics to the flag or photos with the flag used as a face covering or cape.
One associate professor in applied mathematics from Brisbane posted a photo of themselves standing in front of 16 flags, with a status reading: “This is more than even a Tony Abbott press conference, please don’t sack me.”
A lecturer in urban geography from Adelaide weighed in: “Some unpatriotic seditious traitors have suggested our flag isn’t even that original, coz it looks a lot like the New Zealand flag. Well I would just like to emphasis for my entire friends list, particularly any News Corp employees I haven’t noticed before, that the Australian flag is notable for it’s total absence of any red stars.
“That is great, because I sure hate red stars, or indeed anything red, asides from the combination of red, white and blue, amirite?”
The nation’s Indigenous academics also joined the patriotic upsurge. “Sure the Union Jack was the flag under which a genocidal invasion was launched against my people, but lols, whatever, we are all totally over that, it is like so yesterday,” said one casual lecturer in Aboriginal studies at a Sydney university.
“How can we even possibly think about ongoing dispossession when ever day you can look at such a beautiful flag? I mean it I really do love the flag and if you are from any branch of the Murdoch press I beg you not to get me fired I got a serious credit card debt to pay off please for god’s sake what do I have to put up a photo of me kissing the goddamn thing?”
In unrelated news, La Trobe University has defended its decision to suspend academic Roz Ward after it was revealed she had called the Australian flag “racist” in a Facebook post, stating the point had become moot after a new Herald Sun front page accused the Safe Schools co-founder of slaughtering kittens who refused to “turn gay” and selling non-transgendered babies organs to raise funds for ISIS.