The world watched in horror as zoo officials were forced to shoot dead a 200 pound orangutan after America accidentally fell into its cage.
“We just couldn’t be sure what the beast intended to do with America once he had it in his clutches and decided the safest thing to do was to put him down,” said a teary zoo official after the shooting of a popular great ape named Donald at the Washington Zoo. “He’s always been seen as harmless when playing quietly with his toys in the safety of his own cage, but America leaned in too far to have a closer look at him and suddenly found itself falling with no way of stopping.”
“I blame the parents for not keeping a close enough eye upon America,” said internet commentator Beryl Clickbait. “It’s at that curious age where it’s fascinated by loud colourful objects and needs close supervision from someone with a bit of common sense.”
Donald grabbed hold of America and dragged it around his enclosure, prompting onlookers to become greatly concerned about his intentions.
“Donald most likely would have become bored and gone back to hurling his own poo at the Russian bear in the cage next door but we just couldn’t take that chance,” said sharpshooter Deadeye Oswald. “I just hope that America has learnt its lesson and stays away from big dumb animals.”