Television network Channel Nine has apologised for hiring Eddie McGuire and blamed the decision on painkillers and antibiotics it had taken while recovering from some low ratings.
“We were as high as a kite and for some reason thought Eddie was the answer to every hosting position on the network,” said Channel Nine head of personnel Rex Boning. “Only when we stopped taking prescription medication and took another look at the 2005 Logies did we realise what a mistake we’d made. Unfortunately we’d signed contracts making Eddie the host of every damn show on the network and we couldn’t back out of it.”
“I specifically warned Channel Nine not to drive a car, operate heavy machinery or sign up any sports show hosts whilst recovering from a ratings slump,” said television executive medico Dr Stephen Wright. “They only have themselves to blame. They never learnt their lesson from the whole Don Burke incident when they signed the celebrity gardener while mixing steroids with alcohol.”
Ironically, Doctor Wright believes the network could have cured its injury by holding itself in an ice bath rather than taking any medication.