Following threats from the IOC to kick it out of the Rio Olympics, the Russian Olympic team is having serious second thoughts about its decision to hire Stephen Dank to oversee its supplements program.
“Dr Dank injected our athletes with needles full of a green liquid that glowed in the dark but he assured us it was perfectly legal and not a banned drug,” said Russian head coach Ivan Chestikov. “Later our female athlete complained of having cramps and itchy penises but Dr Dank said these are just normal side effects.”
“I failed a drug test just by looking at a test tube,” said Russian javelin thrower Olga Gulagbound. “I should have started getting worried when Dr Dank dropped one of his beakers and the liquid inside it was strong enough to eat through the concrete floor of the change room.”
The IOC is considering whether to expel the Russian team from the Rio Olympics, or imposing an even more severe punishment of forcing the entire squad to watch the rest of Essendon’s home games for 2016.
“I’ve simply been injecting the Russian athletes with a harmless mix of vitamins, calf blood and waste water from Chernobyl,” explained Dank from his secret laboratory in a castle in Transylvania. “If any Russian athletes grew an extra leg and are now running the hundred metres in under seven seconds its all due to hard work and training and nothing at all to do with the elephant tranquiliser that me and my assistant “The Gazelle” have been shooting into them.”