Pat Cummins’ dream of finally wearing his baggy green more than once edged closer to reality today, with Cricket Australia announcing that he would be 12th man for the first test against Pakistan on Dec 15. The 12th man role will, however, be modified to fit with Cummins’ ongoing rehabilitation plan.
Traditionally, the main function of the 12th man is to carry refreshments to his team mates on the field. Under the terms of Cummins’ 30-year rehabilitation plan, designed to get him back into the test team before he turns 50, Cummins will only be allowed to carry one drink onto the field at a time.
When reached for comment, High Performance Manager Pat Howard said “Look, Patty’s a great kid and we know he will one day make a great contribution to this team. He’s been carrying small drinks in plastic cups in the kitchen here at Cricket Australia, but we’ve found he completely breaks down if he carries more than three or four drinks at a time. We plan to start him in Brisbane carrying one drink at a time and, over the next year or so, we hope to get him up to maybe five or six drinks, as long as we are satisfied his body is up to it.”
Former test firebrand and renowned man, Jeff Thompson, scoffed at the plan: “Nah it’s bullshit mate. The only way to get your body used to carrying drinks is to carry bloody drinks mate. Heaps of ’em. And if you bloody hurt yourself, you shut your mouth and carry more drinks next time. When I had to carry drinks I’d carry an esky on one shoulder and three bags of ice under the other arm, plus a six pack to drink on the field while I was waiting for the blokes to finish their drinks and maybe slip in a quick durry. It all sounds like sissy-talk to me!”
Cummins himself said he was just grateful to be back carrying drinks for Australia. “Yeah sure it might take me a little bit longer to get the drinks onto the field, but Pat Howard and Cricket Australia haven’t steered me wrong before. I find I do most of my best work when wrapped in cotton wool.”