A week after the CIA publicly confirmed it believed Russia had directly interfered in the US elections in support of Donald Trump, the US secret agency has confessed the official story of a Democrat official making a “typo” in an email was a “false flag”.
Instead, an embarrassed CIA agent confessed to The (un)Australian, the evidence suggested Russian agents had simply hacked into the CIA’s top secret manual on “How To Determine Who Governs Other Countries”.
CIA agent Brad Terror, speaking in the strictest confidence over Facebook messenger, said it appeared Russian agents had managed to get hold of the fabled manual after guessing the CIA’s believed-to-be-impenetrable password “PutinWillNeverGuessThisOne”.
The document contains a large number of tried-and-true tested methods for determining the government of foreign countries, which draws on almost seven decades of experience in CIA operations to overthrow, subvert and control foreign governments in dozens of nations. Mr Terror confessed this “bible” for foreign interference was a gold-mine of great ideas, some of which were on clear display in the November presidential race.
“As well as the better known CIA techniques, such as supporting military coups, sabotaging sovereign governments and failing to assassinate Fidel Castro, there is actually a whole chapter on a special strategy developed for emergencies in which we would promote a repeated bankrupt businessman, reality TV star and serial sex offender with a died orange possum for a hair piece to run a fascistic campaign with absurd wall-related promises.
“Essential for the plan to work, and this is what first aroused our suspicions we’d been hacked, was the wall-obsessed orange sex offender should run against a widely disliked candidate associated with a despised status quo and with the popular touch of a frozen corpse.
“When we saw Trump’s opponent would be Hillary, we knew she was the Russians key asset and they’d rigged the whole thing. We really should have paid more attention when Hillary started drinking all that vodka, but we assumed she was just calling everyone ‘comrade’ in a bid to outflank Bernie Sanders from the left.
“We probably should have blown the whistle there and there, but to be honest, since the old Cold War things have been pretty down round our way, so we thought, what the fuck, at least a probable nuclear World War III should be a bit of fun.”