A year like 2016 produces many contenders for “Person of the Year”, far too many with quality defamation lawyers to list. Below are some of the stronger contenders, followed by the indisputable winner.
*Please note Bill Shorten was not shortlisted for the award as we feared should he lose, he would spend the next six months celebrating his win.
**Senator Malcolm Roberts also asked not be considered for the award due to what he called a lack of empirical evidence that the award existed.
2016 was the year that Immigration Minister Peter Dutton announced himself as more than just a potato face in the crowd. It was the year where he tackled the big issues, like Christmas carols in schools.
The man in charge of Australia’s borders was so incensed when a friend of a friend overheard a man at the supermarket talking about a school that banned Christmas carols. that instead of finding out whether or not the story was true (it wasn’t), Minister Dutton put his day job of ensuring refugee children are tortured properly to one side to appear on good friend Ray Hadley’s radio show to express his anger.
Dutton’s performance impressed many, including Prime Ministers In Practice Cory Bernardi and George Christensen. Said Bernardi of Dutton: “Peter is clearly a man with his finger on the pulse, this Christmas carols debacle slipped by me but not Peter. 2017 you will hear a lot more from Peter Dutton and Cory Bernardi.”
Pauline Hanson is not just back in the Senate, she is solving some big issues. As well known for her work in the field of marine biology as she is for her work in improving race relations, the Senator’s recent trip to Far North Queensland put minds at ease about the supposed “threat” to the Great Barrier Reef by visiting the bit of it that is fine and then saying “it’s fine”. That’s one more leftie greenie conspiracy theory busted!
If some of her new material is a bit unoriginal (honestly, you can’t just change “swamped by Asians” to “swamped by Muslims”, as much as anything a lot of Asians are Muslims anyway, so it is not just lazy but unnecessarily repetitive), having Hanson back in the Senate nonetheless allows politics watchers a handy insight into what Liberal Party policy will be in two years time. And Labor’s in three. As a result, we have already written our 2018 and ’19 sarcastic takes on racist positions pushed by the major parties, which has saved us a lot of time.
The downside, though, is she has brought some friends with her into the Senate who are so wacky, not even Pauline Hanson likes sitting next to them, which must be like having Satan wanting to move away from you because you smell too much of rotten eggs.
We just thought it might be nice for Hillary Clinton to win something this year. Unfortunately, she came runner-up again.
And the Winner is…
Death. The Grim Reaper. Or, as his mother knows him, Phil. He’s been working his finger to the bone and is the deserved winner of The (un)Australian’s Person Of The Year for 2016.
The last time the Grim Reaper was in the running for Person Of The Year was way back in 1987 when doctors still believed AIDS was caused by ten pin bowling. (And in case you were wondering, ad guru Siimon Reynolds still spells his name with two “i”s and judging by his website is remains a massive wanker.)
Outside of cameo roles in arty Swedish films, the Grim Reaper has been staying beneath the radar, taking just enough high profile celebrities every year to keep the bloke who puts together the “we will remember them” montage at the Academy Awards in a job. At least at next year’s Oscars, he won’t have to pad it out with cinematographers and costume designers you’ve never heard of.
So let’s run through some of the Reaper’s best work from the past twelve months:
David Bowie – Regarded as a genius for changing his haircut and buying a new set of clothes each year.
Manuel from Fawlty Towers – died from the long term affects of being repeatedly belted on the head with a saucepan.
Ronnie Corbett – Any news producer not finishing up a report of his death with the lines “and it’s goodnight from him” were immediately sacked.
Facts – Facts died and a tottering Decency, Humanity and Society didn’t look very healthy at the funeral.
Leonard Cohen – By the time Leonard Cohen shuffled off the coil, we were so weary from famous people dying that even that aggravating Facebook friend with something banal to post about every other celebrity death had run out of things to say.
That’s not to say the Grim Reaper was all take. He allowed some things to come back from the dead. Nazis for example. Have these people never seen a movie about the Nazis? It never ends well for them. We’ve seen about 300 movies about World War Two and the Nazis lose every time. Even Danny La Rue kicked their arse in “Our Miss Fred”. Danny fucking La Rue. The only people who fare worse then Nazis in the movies are devil worshippers. It never ends well for devil worshippers.
So congratulations to the Grim Reaper The (un)Australian’s Person Of The Year.
On behalf of Team (un)Australia thank you for visiting the site and have a great festive season, we will be back Jan 2nd with the all the best news, analysis and plagiarism.
Thanks for reading.