The government has appointed noted orator Ian “Molly” Meldrum to administer a tough new English language test that will require new citizens to decipher the words of a James Reyne song.
“The um people wanting to er um making it harder… pass the test and… er um.. Elton and Rod Stewart,” said the former Countdown host as he held up the cover of the new citizenship test. “Look if you want to live in er… be good at um the language… do yourself a favour.”
“Anyone wanting to become a citizen will have to wait an extra year before making an application,” said the Minister for Immigration Peter Dutton. “This is mostly to give Mr Meldrum enough time to get to the end of a sentence.”
The new test requires citizens of the country to speak and comprehend English at a university level, leading to fears it will lead to the deportation of 98% of the residents of Queensland.
“I was performing exceptionally well in the exam up until I was asked to comprehend the lyrics of an Australian Crawl song,” said prospective citizen Khodadad Azizi. “I think the guy was singing something about the boys liking ducks. Also it was really annoying when Dickie Knee kept jumping up from below the desk and interrupting me. Hopefully I’ll do better in the Xanadu Nationwide Dance Contest component of the test.”