A rogue pod of humpback whales is now thought to be the source of a missile that flew over northern Japan, setting off warning sirens across the entire nation.
“The day we have been dreading is finally here, that our greatest foe is now nuclear armed,” said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in a tense message in response to the missile. “I call upon the whale’s closest ally Greenpeace to put pressure on them to stop this escalating into full scale war.”
“We as a species have developed a missile capable of reaching Guam, purely for the purposes of scientific research,” said whale leader Moby Jong Un. “The years we spent tossing beach balls around Sea World were actually experiments in flight trajectory.”
Marine biologists now believe that mysterious long distance whale songs are a means of sharing plans on how to construct a nuclear bomb, and that beach strandings were attempts by whales to get a closer look at coastal defence systems.
“Call me Donald,” said the US President as he prepared to set sail in pursuit of the leader of the whales. “I hear there be a great white whale out there, and ye know how much I do like things that are both great and white.”