Billions of salmonella germs have waged protests in petri dishes across the country after learning that the plastic bag ban may lead them to make contact with the skin of opinion writer Andrew Bolt.
“‘Most of us are decent, hard working germs who simply want to live quiet lives on onion skins at the bottom of a reusable bag waiting for the opportunity to leap onto some reheated chicken,” said protest leader Beck Tearia. “I’m sure no organism, single celled or otherwise, wants to know what Andrew Bolt’s bowels look like from the inside.”
Salmonella germs living near the white bread section of Woolworths feel most at risk of accidentally coming into contact with Bolt.
“We were amazed to find the salmonella cultures in our lab had arranged themselves into the words “bring back the plastic bags”,” said microbiologist Dr Esther Colley. “The fear of Andrew Bolt is so great amongst bacteria that we are thinking of developing a new super antibiotic constructed out of cells scraped from his host chair on The Bolt Report.”